Actual email sent to Lola ten seconds ago
Dear formerly loving sister who called to gloat today -
While I am so thrilled for you and your happiness, now called "the book," let me explain the horror of that call. Sitting at my desk at 5:30 PM, after losing yet another battle with the photocopier earlier in the hour and wondering why this weekend's quote from the Stitch n' Bitch calendar completely applies to me, I picked up your message. Oh joy of joys . . . you have the book. Seeming to capitalize on that joy, I checked my status on Amazon only to discover nothing . . . NOTHING!!! As in zip, zilch, nada . . . no order! The order, dear formerly loving sister who called to gloat today (and I just typed that, not copy and paste), has been deleted by Amazon as the book is no longer available to them! What the fuckity fuck fuck fuck is going on?! Is this book giving away state secrets that terrorists will wield and unleash on us like a plague of fleas? Does Brad Pitt jump out and fondle your tits whilst singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" encircled by his wife and children? UGH . . . which is all I got going for me at this point. Enjoy it, bitch!
Love you (otherwise Mom would psychically pick up on the bad juju and call telling you to talk to your brother . . . and he's all yours),
Edited: Amazon nicely responded to my email to say that they didn't lose my order but I had two accounts with one email address and perhaps, in my infinite wisdom, had checked on account two while I had ordered it on account one. Thank you, oh kind internet book seller, for pointing out my woeful ineptitude in ordering a book you still can't lay your world wide web tentacles on! I ordered it from the site Jenifluer suggested right after I posted the letter. It should be here sometime next week. I'll believe it when I have it in my hands and no grading on the couch. Oh, that would include hell freezing over.